I can't tell you the last time I played a really good space shooter. R-Type, maybe? Shit, that was like fifteen years ago. I admit that I'm not the biggest fan of shooting games, probably because I suck out loud at them. Shooter fans the world over have had slim pickings over the last few years as the genre has died a slow and agonizing death at the hands of more "consumer-friendly" action games. A shame, really, as shooters are probably the most challenging games out there. Kids sure are a bunch of pussies these days.

But thank Jeebus for Treasure, huh? I guess no one has told them that these games ain't cool anymore, because they just keep churning them out. The godfathers of the space shooter brought it out of its semi-permanent coma with 2002's Ikaruga, a grueling examination of genre mechanics that stripped away all of the traditional death-dealing niceties in favor of a carefully controlled assault against enemies of alternating polarity.

Yeah, you pretty much had to be clinically insane to enjoy it. Thankfully, their latest blast-a-thon, Gradius V, is a sequel to one of the original arcade classics that arms you to the teeth with all manor of brightly-colored weaponry. In Gradius V you'll dust off the legendary Vic Viper for another excursion through time warps, asteroid fields and the guts of massive battle ships all in the name of... hey, what are we fighting against here?

Ah fuck it, nobody really cares. You shoot things, they blow up. That's about all you need to know. Gradius V represents a return to a simpler time, when memorizing patterns and dancing between laser blasts were the skills that paid the bills. If you've played Gradius before then you'll know exactly what to expect here, as very little has changed since 1985. That's both good and bad, but since Gradius V is intended as an homage to a once-proud gaming tradition, I think shooter fans will largely be cool with this.

Space Balls

Following a memorable cameo in 2003's Zone of the Enders: The 2nd Runner, the Vic Viper is back in the lead role in Gradius V to blast swollen red spherical abominations.

Treasure has delivered quite an impressive example of next-generation technology meeting first-generation game design. The action flows left-to-right (and sometimes vice versa) along a fixed plane. Your space craft is limited to movement along this plane and is confined to the boundaries of the screen, just like the old days. One hit and you're dead. Rack up points and earn an extra ship. Defeat giant boss at end of stage. Run out of credits and it's Game Over. It's all coming back to you now, isn't it?

Gradius V is all about shooting, so you should never take your finger off the trigger. All things must be destroyed, but certain enemies yield power-ups when defeated. This pseudo-currency can be spent on technological upgrades for the Vic Viper. Speed increases, missiles, laser cannons and force fields can all be acquired through repeated power-up enhancements, resulting in a nimble blasting machine that can dance through clouds of lasers and even take a few hits on the chin. You can make it through without this help, but what's the fun in that?

The most useful upgrade is the Multiple (commonly called an "Option"), which gives you a floating gunpod that can be positioned in any number of ways. Up to four Options can be acquired at once, giving you tons of extra firepower that can mean all the difference in a tough scrap. This will be old news if you've played any of the previous games, but it is such an iconic part of Gradius that it bears mentioning. Possessing the scouring power of five Vics is not only useful, it's damned cool to boot.

The Vic Viper comes in four flavors (called "weapon arrays"), which mainly affects how Options are handled. Type 1 allows you to freeze your Options in a fixed spot for maximum ass-kickability, while Type 4 lets you rotate them around your ship to serve as a pseudo shield. Which one you pick largely boils down to personal preference, though there are a few sodomizing segments that are simply impossible without a particular weapon array. Trial and error will patch that up.

It should go without saying that all this sweet swag goes down the toilet once your ship is destroyed, requiring you to start the process all over. But Treasure has decided to be merciful with Gradius V, as your Options can be instantly re-acquired by your newly spawned fighter craft. As you might imagine, this helps out enormously during boss fights where power-ups are almost non-existent. The game is brutally difficult, even on the easier settings, so you'll be thankful to lap up this very welcome bone.

Gradius V presents 7 stages of blister-inducing fun, ranging from giant battleship interiors and enemy strongholds to asteroid belts and things that defy description. Your shooting skills will be exercised considerably (thankfully you can simply hold down a button to fire), but you'll also be required to navigate increasingly hectic terrain. Cluttered debris fields, confined spaces and entire segments of scenery that suddenly shift around are only a few of the environmental hazards with which you'll have to contend.

Stage 4 is my personal favorite. It involves a slow descent into what appears to be a giant space anus, and finds the Vic Viper blasting floating cells, cancerous tissue and all sorts of pus-spewing organic creatures. It's the coolest thing since Life Force, without a doubt. These stages vary in length from extremely short (Stage 5) to ridiculously long (Stage 7), but all of them are chock full of challenging shooting action. The pacing is slow-going most of the time, except for a stretch in Stage 7 where shit gets really fast.

Gradius V looks friggin' sweet and just might be the finest-looking shooter in history. The action may be two-dee in nature, but the graphics are pure next-gen multi-dimensional goodness. Textures are absolutely outstanding, and the stages themselves are jam-packed with nooks, crannies, twists and turns. Since everything is made from sweet, delicious polygons, objects move as smoothly as a baby's bottom, without any of those gross Mode-7 scaling and rotation artifacts. Progress is a wonderful thing.

You might want to wear sunglasses while playing this game. Case in point: the beginning of Stage 2 is so goddamned orange that my retinas just might be permanently damaged. This is by a wide margin the most colorful game I've played in a long time, and easily rivals Super Mario Sunshine or Rez in terms of acid-laced visual splendor. Cornea-searing visual effects, from bright blue laser beams to blistering red explosions, make this game a feast for the eyes.

And thanks to the awesome power of the PlayStation2 Computer Entertainment System, Treasure is able to pack the screen with a veritable cornucopia of destructible cannon fodder. The early parts of Stage 7 alone might just break the record for the most objects rendered at once in a shooter, and again, there's no slowdown. The spectacle of boss battles is alive and kicking, thanks to gigantic mechanized contraptions that can sometimes fill several screens. What a time to be alive, huh?

Laser Tag

Gradius V is loaded with screen-filling boss battles and eye-popping visual effects, with no slowdown whatsoever. Bitchin'!

You probably won't care what the game sounds like, but I'll tell you anyway that it's adequately satisfactory. Lasers sound lasery, mechanical effects are loaded with low-end torque, and explosions... let's just say that shit blows up real good in this game. It's a damn shame that Gradius V doesn't support the Dolby Pro Logic II format like so many of today's PS2 titles. I can't help but wonder what these badass explosions would sound like coming out of my badass subwoofer. This is minor, but that grating CPU voice has to go.

Background music is about what you'd expect from a shooting game; it's a mix of high-energy techno during the stages and tense pseudo-orchestral tracks that accompany boss battles. It's not what I'd call good per se, and it does tend to grate on the nerves after you've been nicked by a stray bullet for the umpteenth time, but to its credit it does mesh fairly well with the visual style of the game. But I don't think I'll be adding the Gradius V Original Soundtrack to my collection, in case you were curious.

Treasure knows how to make shooters, but more importantly, they know how to make you want to play their shooters. Gradius V is no exception. Each hour of game time you invest unlocks an additional credit — or "continue", if you like — that can be spent when you run out of ships. And you will run out of ships quite regularly, even on the easier difficulties. Play the game enough and you'll eventually unlock "free play" mode, which gives you unlimited credits. Sweet. A total of five difficulty levels ensures that players of all skill types can get their shoot on.

There are a number of built-in cheat codes that crybabies can use when the action gets too intense. (Just kidding, I use them too!) As you might expect, the classic "Konami Code" can be entered while the game is paused to grant immediate badass status. Up, up, down, down... you know the rest. You won't get 30 ships like in Contra, but gaining a full array of upgrades should even the odds pretty quickly. Use it sparingly though; the game provides a tough-but-fair challenge that a real shooter vet should relish.

Finishing the game, aside from the sheer satisfaction that the feat provides, unlocks a weapon editing mode that allows you to customize the Vic Viper's weapon arrays. In addition to the standard options from Gradius V, you can pimp out your ride with weapons from past Gradius games like the Ripple Laser and Charge Beam. This is a nice treat for fans who are dedicated enough to actually finish this fiendishly difficult game. The Ripple Laser may suck, but it looks fucking cool.

Complaints? You betcha. The game supports 2-player co-op play just like the old days, but in this age of broadband connections it's a bit of a bummer that you can't jump online and blast some ass with a buddy. Perhaps that's asking a bit too much from this thirty dollar game, I don't know. There's a nifty score attack mode, but again, the inability to instantly compare scores over the Internet limits its appeal. One could chalk all this up to wanting to provide an "old school" experience, but it just feels lazy to me.

But seriously, even a picky bitch like me has to give it up for Gradius V. The game is beautiful, expertly-crafted, challenging and loads of fun. I didn't expect to get hooked on it, but here I am after ten hours of trance-inducing play time wondering where my life has gone the last week. If you didn't grow up playing shooters in the arcade, then the impact of this game will largely be lost on you. But at a price point of thirty dollars, Gradius V provides a tremendous bargain for veteran shooter fans clamoring for one last space odyssey.

Highly recommended.