The Resident Evil series knows many fans and earns more on a daily basis. The recent surge in Gamecube sales due to the series' newfound exclusivity to the Nintendo console only serves to prove that point. Gamers love this series and will follow it wherever it may go. I decided to take a slightly different angle on my review. Instead of a standard cut and dry review, instead I will compose a letter to Capcom, extolling the virtues of their wonderful example of code. Well, actually it's more of an apology.

Dear godly coders at Capcom,

I completely suck at your game, Resident Evil for the Nintendo Gamecube. I am not new to gaming nor do I usually suck at games (Tony Hawk series excluded.) I have never bothered with your Resident Evil series before for one reason or another. It was nothing personal, I assure you. However, now it is. As a Gamecube owner, I felt obligated to buy this game. Who wouldn't? I picked up the game the day it was released and rushed home to play it on my newly acquired component cables for the Cube. Like many other gamers on that day, I couldn't wait to pop the little disc into the diminutive little powerhouse as soon as I walked into the door.

What can I say? I was blown away by the production values of the game. The mood was perfect. The mansion was filled with all kinds of tiny details that made you want to just sit and stare at the screen with a slacked jaw. I marveled at the complex lighting effects that were used throughout. I must have stared at that fireplace for 5 minutes straight, just marveling at the flickering life-like fire and the ever so subtle smoke effects that would have probably been lost on a TV using the packed in AV cables. It was beautiful plain and simple. I did a little scouting around the house and encountered my first gooey enemy, and he wanted brains. Well, he got them. He got my brains rather easily too. I barely put up a fight it seemed. I chalked it up to simply being a newbie to the series. Sure, the controls were not anything I was used to, but I figured I would easily overcome.

I restarted the game, making sure I set it to the easier level for my first run through the game. I started my way back in the mansion and found that first zombie again. Oh I got him that time. I plugged that undead cretin full of all kinds of lead, only for him to be taken out in the next cut-scene, little did I know I didn't even need to take a shot at him. Oh well, one wasted clip already. After the scene, I had to explore the mansion a bit. Each little detail floored me from flickering lights to the gently moving haze of drifting moonlight outside of the window this game packed one hell of a careful graphical punch. Everything was rendered with such precision that one would have to be a complete fool to say they were not impressed. Sure, there was a little stutter in the cut-scenes, and the acting won't win any Oscars, but the whole package was just a stunning testimony to the fact that gaming technology has come a very long way since Combat was a pack-in game.

I cannot even begin to tell you about the embarrassing series of events that lead to more than 10 restarts of the game within a week. Sure, some of it was due to learning gameplay tips and realizing that I was doing everything wrong, but a good bit of them were simply due to the fact that I am the suckiest person who ever sucked at this game. I am horrible. I just don't seem to get it. Many people would be quick to blame the controls, a long stable complaint of the series, however they didn't bother me at all actually. Sure, it took a little bit to get used to them, but they were at all the crapfest that many people like to believe. Now, me using the controls is a different story. That is the perfect example of a crapfest, and a perfect one at that. I just suck, simple as that. I can't explain the how or why, but I just wanted you to know that I don't blame you, and I know it isn't your fault. You built an incredible game and I am un-deserving of it. This game just has my number and it keeps calling collect. I can't say I am sorry enough for the embarrassment I may have caused your company.

Maybe one day I will get somewhere in that game, but for now, I need to take a break from the daily zombie beatings it was handing me. I'm sorry, Capcom, I've failed you. I am an embarrassment to my hobby. I can't even run around a zombie without getting my brains sucked out. The incredible technical achievements of this title are completely wasted on my pregnant cow-like abilities. I cannot say I'm sorry enough.

In closing, I pose this one question: Are we ever going to see a "4" in the title of a Street Fighter game?

A fan of your company, but not of Resident Evil,

Dave