Biggest Surprise:
The Xbox is a fantastic system with great games. How does that strike you? Yeah, I was pretty surprised too. Want some more? The standard Xbox pad (the big one) is vastly superior to the GameCube pad. Stunning, yes? One more: Xbox Live works great. I'll leave you with that.

The biggest surprise for me this year was directly related to my biggest disappointment actually. Upon returning StarFox Adventures, I picked up The Mark of Kri for the PS2. Now THAT was a game! I loved the way the story was told. This game had almost all other titles beat in shear art direction. The way the story sketches faded into the gameplay to the excellent voice overs, this game had some work put into it. Then, you had great gameplay that incorporated stealth as well as a newly created offensive style which was actually patented with this title. The game is a lot of fun for me and just oozed style throughout the entire game.

Gayest Game Purchase:
Let's see... I bought Dance Dance Revolution along with a mat controller, and Yu-Gi-Oh Duelest Masters for the GBA. You decide which one is worse.

Holy shit, really? Goddamn dude. Anyway, the gayest thing I bought this year was Super Mario Sunshine, a stinking, festering, fruity wound on the face of gamedom. You better believe I returned that sucker and got my goddamned money back, which I subsequently blew on beer, porno and sports gambling, I swear.

Biggest Disappointment:
StarFox Adventures. I was really geared up for Rare's last title for the Gamecube, I even got the box with the toilet paper and all... little did I know how needed that toilet paper was. I just hated this game and I really didn't want to. I tried so hard to like the game. I was really impressed with the graphical detail in the game but there was too much that just annoyed me, such as the gameplay in the mini-games that felt like they were from another Gamecube release, the shit pile called Universal Studios. Also, if you are going to make up a language, make it sound like the native speakers actually know the language. It sounded like a high school kids in their first year of taking Spanish. I need to stop talking about this game because I'm getting angry.

How do you ruin the most recognized mascot in video game history? I've discovered the recipe. Start with Mario, strip away all the mushroom-eating, goomba-stomping fun the series is known for, then pair him with a stupid talking waterpack and make him clean up graffiti. Mix in sluggish, frustrating controls, mediocre graphics and the absolute worst 3D camera system ever crapped out. Sprinkle with poor acting, rotten movies, repetitive objectives and crank the difficulty up to 450°. Slap on a gay name like "Sunshine", ship to unsuspecting game players, and wait for fanboy review sites to suck your small Japanese penis.

I'd Rather Have My Balls Chewed Off by Rabid Squirrels than Play this Game:
StarFox Adventures. This game just rubbed me the wrong way something fierce. I can't stand it, the memory of the voice of that Warp Stone makes me want to perform a lobotomy on myself. This game made me glad that Nintendo sold them. Some games just set us off and this was the game that did that for me this year. I despise Starfox Adventures and Rare for making it.

I don't care what you say about Starfox Adventures, nothing can compare to the utter craptitude that is Kingdom Hearts. Oh, it pains me just to think about it! Imagine if diseased-ridden pigs vomitted in terror, then Satan took a dump on it, then drunken dwarfs took a whiz on that, and you have a vague approximation of how bad Kingdom Hearts is. Holy shit this game sucks. I really don't know how Square did it. How do you make the best RPG of all time one year (Final Fantasy X), then crap out a corn-encrusted log of failure the next? I mean, goddamn! How do you suck all the fun out of Disney? DISNEY, for christ's sake! Shinji Mikami was right folks, Kingdom Hearts sucks massive donkey dick. If you own a copy of this game, do the right thing and light it the fuck on fire right now. Make sure to kill yourself as well.

Game You Wouldn't Stop Playing Even for Oral Sex:
Ok folks, I know a lot of people have arguments about how 'hardcore' of a gamer you are and all of that but the correct answer to this question is "No game is that good." Ok? Good, I'm glad we're clear on that.

Agreed. I'd quit gaming right now for an evening with Diane Mizota. Sweet, soft Diane Mizota.

So there you have it, our picks for some of the standouts of the 2002 gaming year. It was a pretty decent year overall, though I felt that there was a lot more to be excited about in 2001. Metroid Prime was a big surprise that I had a lot of fun with, and my GameBoy Advance saw a lot of use as well, especially after I got that Afterburner. The Xbox was also a big surprise, with some truly great games and a successful launch of Xbox Live. They did a good job with that shit. Vice City delivered the goods several times over, but I do hope Rockstar takes their time with the next installment. Too much of a good thing can suck just as hard.

The upcoming year is sure to offer quite a bit of fun as well, with games like Halo 2, Doom III, Silent Hill 3 and Devil May Cry 2 just around the corner. We'll delve deep into the T&A controversy with Dead or Alive: Extreme Beach Volleyball and Final Fantasy Guns-N-Asscheeks Dress-Up Party (aka X-2). It's going to be a lot of fun, so stay with us for another year of dry, long-winded game reviews with no numerical ratings. Starwipe... and we're out!

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